We’re going to Dunkin

It’s a crappy, rainy Friday and I have the day off work. Sleeping in my usual spot on the couch since I can’t stand hubby’s snoring, I am awake enough to hear the girls getting ready for school but I have no intention of getting up. My kids are freaking awesome and can get ready for school on their own, even making their own lunch. They are raised to be independent and not rely on anyone to get things done for them, which will allow them to grow into productive, confident women who understand the value of hard work and aren’t entitled assholes like many people. I hear them shout that they are running to the bus and I mumble my usual “text me when you are on the bus”. Part of me loves that I am a parent in the age of technology where I can track my kid’s location and annoy them with texts and calls whenever I want. Another part of me doesn’t understand much of the technology out there, so I worry about the creepers and what my kids are really doing on the internet – but that’s a post for another day! Now that my kids are out the door, I can wake up and be a creepy stalker to make sure they get on the bus. Letting them know I am watching to make sure they get on the bus will only set unrealistic expectations like I am willing to drive them to the bus stop or help them get ready, and we definitely don’t want that. For those of you thinking that I am a terrible mom, let me inform you that their bus stop is 6 houses away and I can see them from the driveway. Also, your kids will probably grow up to be lazy and entitled from your hovering, so you should think about that before you judge. I run to the bathroom to pee and as I’m walking back to throw on slippers and stalk them down the street I hear my phone ding. I am expecting to see the words “bus” or “on bus” since my teenager is very elaborate in her texts but instead I see a full sentence, which immediately alerts me something is wrong. The kids had just made it to the end of the street and their bus drove right by! Dammit! Now I have to be responsible and drive them to school. This setback has scrambled their brains and they actually expect me to pick them up at the end of the street! Crazy talk! As I pull up at the end of the street and the kids get in, my first words are “We are going to Dunkin! Momma needs coffee!”.

The bright side to all this is that I get to hear my girls chatter as I drive. My 7-year-old always has some good topics to talk about. Today’s topic was how her sister’s hair was really fluffy and maybe if she was allergic to hair like Johnny’s dad who is bald, her hair wouldn’t be so fluffy. Seriously, where do kids come up with these things??? As usual, my oldest just laughs and onward we go. As we turn into the DD parking lot, there is a goose in the middle of the road. Many of you know that like the Honey badger, geese don’t give a shit. We have to wait for the bastard to cross the road. While we are waiting, my crazy-smart teenager tells me that she can tell it’s an American Goose. Hm… interesting! Of course now I need to know how she knows this so I can share this with others in the future, and I proceed to ask her how she know’s it’s an American goose and not a Canadian goose. Her response was dead on and factual, “Because Canadians are more polite”. Yes, my 14-year-old is smarter than I am. After getting my bucket of coffee to keep me awake, and maybe I did get a donut, since I usually start my diets tomorrow, I run over the curb (thank god for big SUVs) and on we go to school to battle the other parents in the drop-off line. Again, a post about the annoying parents in the drop off line is for another day! For now, I am going to attempt to control my ADHD today and hope to actually be productive at home. Happy Friday all!

bucket coffee

Toilet paper or wine?

This is it. The last of the toilet paper. My plan? Have a drink! Don’t worry though, I didn’t leave my potty patrons high and dry.. Well I guess I made sure they were dry! To be safe and avoid the “Moooooom!!!” sound coming from the bathroom, I kindly placed a box of tissues on the toilet.  I also sent a video of this predicament to my delivery man and asked him to grab some TP on the way home. I’m sure he’s excited about that, but he’ll understand that I worked very hard on dinner for him. I need to start dinner, which tonight I will be making one of our regular family meals and cooking up a phone call to a local restaraunt that delivers. Delivery is key so I don’t have to actually get dressed. It’s hard work but I think I can manage it! Now I have to make one of the hardest decisions that a classy lady can make… Wine or Baileys in coffee while I do some homework??? Decisions, decisions. 

Parental Advisory

1Fair warning – I have a disease that people like to refer to as “Verbal Diarrhea”. When I was made, they forgot to add the filter in between my brain and my mouth, so sometimes shit just comes out (are you thinking about poop yet? That was the plan.). This includes cursing and at times inappropriate thoughts (Hello sexy biker dude!). Since this blog is basically what comes out of my mouth, be prepared to be offended. I tend to be blunt and say it how it is, in the nicest way possible of course. People are more often entertained more than they are offended, but most people know that I really do have a kind heart and wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. I am very fair and provide equal opportunity for others to comment on my flaws, as long as they have good intentions. I am an animal lover to the fullest extent but also realize that animals kill things and it’s freaking gross yet fascinating. I have an indoor / outdoor cat who is definitely a serial killer, so I am sure you will hear about his vomit-inducing conquests. If this isn’t your “thing” then you may want to look at one of those “perfect, happy mommy” blogs out there, which I am sure I will spend time ripping apart another day. You have been warned!

First blog post

People have told me that I should be a writer and that I am funny – ok, I lie – mostly I’m told that I am freaking nuts, but that should be some great entertainment for you, eh? This is my first try at a blog, and I pretty freaking excited because I definitely need something else to do like I need a pap smear. Shit – I’m overdue for one of those bitches, but that’s a fun story for another day. Setting up my blog was pretty easy. I found a website, picked a crappy name, verified my email, and voila! From there I made it pretty and added pertinent information. I wanted to make sure that you could contact me, so I excitedly set up the “contact” section of the blog. I put my name in, made sure my email was correct, and typed a nice message. I then promptly received my message from me in my inbox. It was great, I promise! You won’t see it, but take my word for it. I can’t wait to see if there’s an app for this blog thing, since there’s literally an app for everything. I am pretty terrible with technology, even shaking my phone like an 80’s Etch-a-Sketch, so this should be an interesting adventure for sure! I’m glad you all will come along for this crazy roller coster ride with me and hope you enjoy my shenanigans!